This is an incredibly quick way to make friends with women at the bar. It is also an adept way to outsell your partner bartender, if you were crafty like that.
There are a lot of reasons no one wants to be outsold – most of the women Lady Chatterley hires are quite competitive – but the most important reason is the two-thirds rule. “You must sell at least two-thirds of what your partner sells.” If one bartender grossly outsells her partner, she takes home two-thirds of the tips. And, at a place with no shift pay, where the only money we take home comes from our tip jar, it is a pretty scary rule.
A lot of the more competitive – aka bitchier – bartenders will try to two-thirds the “new girls.”
“You can totally tell when someone is trying to two-thirds you,” Erica told me when we were working together one Saturday night. “Sandy tried to two-thirds me the first time we worked together – she was literally pushing me out of the way to get to customers. I had to be like, ‘by the way bitch, I’ve been bartending in this city for over two years, you can’t pull that shit with me.’ After that, she was fine.”
After the fourth time a group of women walked into the bar and Vermouth poured them all shots and then took all of their drink orders, I thought, okay, I’ve got to start being pushy.
I pre-made a full mixing glass of a tasty shot I nicknamed the “Tropical Storm.” It is vodka, triple sec and a splash of pineapple juice, which I like to use because it comes out of a can, not the soda gun. The next time a group of women came in, I quickly said, “I’ve got them,” greeted the ladies, poured their shots and took every single drink order.
When the bar slowed down, I decided to try to make friends with Vermouth. Other bartenders love her. Carol told me that she and Vermouth had made up this whole lesbian love story, and convinced a group of construction workers that Vermouth was in love with Carol, but that Carol wasn’t certain about her feelings because Carol also had a boyfriend. Then Vermouth and Carol made out in front of them for fifty bucks.
Erica had also mentioned Vermouth. “I love that girl,” she said. “Vermouth is crazy as shit, but awesome to work with.”
I wanted to figure out if Vermouth was actually trying to two-thirds me, so I told her a story about another bartender named Lina to get her reaction. It happened on a night when there were four of us working – Lina and Vanessa were partners. It was Lina’s third night, but she still seemed lost. She couldn’t remember where anything was, she kept forgetting the prices of draft beer, and her hands shook as she counted her money. Vanessa, a gorgeous Russian brunette who has been working at the bar for over a year, outsold Lina in a massive way. She didn’t just two-thirds her, she decimated her. Vanessa’s sales were over $1200 – Lina’s were under $400. But Vanessa, who is not known for being nice, didn’t take the money.
“Don’t tell anyone,” Vanessa said, “Because I could get in trouble for not doing it. But I’m not going to. I know what it’s like to be the new girl.”
When I finished the story, Vermouth shook her head. “Vanessa should have two-thirds-ed her. I got in trouble once for not two-thirds-ing someone.”
So there, I thought, I was right about you.
“What did you think of Lina?” Vermouth asked, raising an eyebrow.
“She seemed like a nice girl,” I replied, “but really lost, like she’d never bartended before.”
“I really like Lina,” Vermouth said. “I trained her. She used to be a dominatrix, and I used to be a dominatrix, so we kind of bonded over that.”
Vermouth is fine-featured, delicate-looking, with soft short brown hair and a young face. She’s only 21. “Really?” I asked, “You used to be a dominatrix?”
Vermouth shrugged, “yeah, but it was a while ago.” A while ago like last year?
I guess that is something that can happen when your parents name you after a liqueur.
At the end of the night, we sat in the cold basement doing our money, rapidly counting our tips, paper-clipping bills in groups of $100, totaling our sales. Vermouth hadn’t two-thirds-ed me, but it was close. We’d made pretty shitty tips, so I was relieved at least to be walking away with my half. Vermouth didn’t mention it.
Instead, she said nonchalantly, “By the way, when I total things up for customers, sometimes I round up to make it easier, so sometimes I’m over by a little bit.”
She took five minutes longer to do her money than I did, then handed me a couple bills in an amount that shall remain undisclosed, but was incredibly welcome. “You’re awesome to work with,” I told her.
Vermouth just smiled.
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